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After the Madness Workshop – E1

Hi Everyone!!
It’s here! The After the Madness has begun! We have two great entries today. Here’s how it’ll work. I’ll post (along with Brenda DrakeYAtopia, and Shelley Watters) two entries per day until we’ve reached fifteen each. There was no rhyme or reason for who got which entries, so make sure to check all four blogs for yours! For those that are here to critique, have a great time! This is an open forum and we welcome opinions. It isn’t easy to put your stuff out there so, kudos to all of you who entered! I hope we can help ;o)

Let’s do this!

First 250 words

Entry E1 – Susan Bailey

            The German Damned dictated the no-kill order. Is this more than one person? Can a whole group of people dictate something? Is this his name? He was explicit. He wasn’t explicit about why. Why they wanted this girl alive—why they wanted her at all. Who was she? Tam wondered what she’d gotten herself into for Hell to set such a high price on her head. But before he could speculate about the girl’s sordid business, an alarm suddenly clanged. The ghastly caterwauling ripped through the gilt chamber, creating turmoil. 

Tam swore, drawing the hood of his cloak over his face. Bodies in the room reacted like a single organism swelling in apprehension. Good description. This was a mistake. He didn’t like to involve himself with Hell anymore. But the money had been good. Too good to ignore. He could retire for a century—longer if he was smart about it.

The massive throng of demons confirmed he hadn’t been the only one with that idea. Before the alarm, the chamber had been packed, tight and stuffy. The golden lairs of demon nobility were deep underground, far from the masses of minions and molten magma, and usually cooler than other places in Hell. But with so many bodies crammed together, lining the walls, it was stifling. Now all moving and colliding in chaos and panic, the heat was getting worse. The phrase “hot as hell” came to mind.

Tam scanned the room, choking on the sulfurous air. The Damned who’d been explaining
the no-kill order looked in trepidation to his masters. A no-kill order was unprecedented in Hell. LOVE this line!

This is intriguing, but confusing. I think we need a description of the girl or if she’s in the room. I don’t get an idea of the surroundings. Just a few details could bring us into the world. It’s Hell. Show us what it’s like. Why does Tam not like to get involved with Hell? What is he to the Damned? Just a sentence of why or who he is may make it less confusing. It’s very interesting and I would read more!

So what do you think? Any suggestions?

Come back tomorrow for another two entries!! Have a great Monday!!

<3 Erica

5 Responses to “After the Madness Workshop – E1”

  1. I was confused by “the German Damned” too–is it necessary for us to know he’s German at this point?

    Could it be changed to “The Damned who dictated the order was explicit about the no-kill part.” or something like that?

  2. Thanks, Susan for sharing your work with us!

    Thanks, Angelica ;o)

  3. SueJay says:

    Thanks for your comments guys! I just got done with my first writer’s conference and they were confused too. I’m working on clearing it up.

  4. Awesome to hear, Sue! Thanks for sharing your work with us ;o) Good luck!

  5. Kat Ellis says:

    I really like this, and found the scene intriguing. But I have to agree with the other comments – the first paragraph is a little confusing. Perhaps this line would be better as your opener? ‘A no-kill order was unprecedented in Hell.’ As Erica pointed out, it IS a great line!

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