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After the Madness Workshop – E2

It’s here! The After the Madness has begun! We have two great entries today. Here’s how it’ll work. I’ll post (along with Brenda DrakeYAtopia, and Shelley Watters) two entries per day until we’ve reached fifteen each. There was no rhyme or reason for who got which entries, so make sure to check all four blogs for yours! For those that are here to critique, have a great time! This is an open forum and we welcome opinions. It isn’t easy to put your stuff out there so, kudos to all of you who entered! I hope we can help ;o)

Let’s do this!

First 250 words

Entry E2 – Leigh Caroline

Islaine the Last slammed the ancient oak door of her room. Despite the force she used, it closed with a soft hush; (a period could be placed here, I think) the castle was too well trained to actually do anything as disruptive as slamming. She flung herself on the fluffy white bed, sobbing the way only the young and incredibly frustrated can manage. After a few moments, though, she pulled her long, pale hair out of her face, and glanced around the room . “Any other time, this place is swarming with pixies! I wasted a perfectly fantastic dramatic entrance!” LOL

A muffled giggle from behind the curtain told her the impulsive creatures weren’t far after all. Islaine pushed herself up off the bed, a sly grin replacing the pout she’d worn a moment before. She tapped her index finger against her heart shaped lips, as if thinking. “How odd, a giggle from somewhere in the room. There must be a pixie hiding somewhere around here…” she mused, a hint of a smile in her crystal eyes. She lifted up the top of her charm box, shifting the bits of shiny stones and silver around. “Nope, not in the charm box.”

She bent to look under the bed, then made a show of flipping her hair back up out of her way a few times, before declaring, “Not under the bed either. I wonder where they could be?”

Another giggle from behind the velvet curtain, and she reached out and flicked the curtain open, sending the small pixies flitting around in windblown circles.

This is really cute. The voice is good and I get an idea of the kind of person Islaine is. She seems young and a little dramatic, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, just be careful and not make her too melodramatic. I love the idea of the pixies being tricksters and hiding from her. Great job!

What do you think? Any suggestions?

Have a great day!
<3 Erica

4 Responses to “After the Madness Workshop – E2”

  1. Amber says:

    okay, I loved this….but since I tend to be a line by line critiquer, here it is.

    ‘sobbing the way only the young and incredibly frustrated can manage.’–I would take out incredibly frustrated. It has great voice to say -‘sobbing the way only the young can manage…and since you SHOW she is sobbing, there is no need to TELL she’s frustrated 🙂

    ‘She lifted up the top of her charm box…’—‘lifted’ tells us she is going ‘up’, so the sentence imo is better ‘She lifted the top of her charm box….’ ‘lifted up’ are two words that mean the same, and aren’t tpically needed together 🙂

    And then when you say– “Nope, not in the charm box.”—you just said she lifted the top to the charm box, so here I would simply put, “Nope, not in here.” (we know she is talking about the charm box and this way it doesn’t repeat.)

    Now keep in mind this is me combing with a magnifying glass…I really loved it, and it works just fine as is…but to say it is great doesn’t help at all…So for a wonderful piece, this was all I could find :)—Good luck!

  2. I liked it too–nice introduction to the place and character. It’s hard to fit a lot of info in just a few paragraphs, and my only advice would be to watch the multiple descriptives: “fluffy white bed” “heart shaped lips”. It can be easy to overdo those in fantasy works (not saying yours are overdone necessarily–just something to be aware of)

  3. Thank you guys, this is very helpful feedback. 🙂 And no worries, her growing into a strong young woman, less flighty and silly is the character arc of the story. Thanks again!

  4. Thanks for letting us read your work, Leigh!

    Excellent critiques everyone!!

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