After the Madness Workshop – E7
The Madness continues! We have two more great entries today. To be honest, I’m so tired of seeing that After the Madness pic, I decided to bring the MAD into the After the MADness Workshop! Tea anyone?
Here’s how this workshop works. I’ll post (along with Brenda Drake, YAtopia, and Shelley Watters) two entries per day until we’ve reached fifteen each. There was no rhyme or reason for who got which entries, so make sure to check all four blogs for yours! For those that are here to critique, have a great time! This is an open forum and we welcome opinions. It isn’t easy to put your stuff out there so, kudos to all of you who entered! I hope we can help ;o)
Let’s do this!
First 250 words
Entry E7 – Monica Sanz
Marcus Kent’s steps warped to a stop Can steps warp to a stop? outside the near skeletal remains
of a three story brownstone. Crumbled brick exposed the steel veins of the wounded structure. Good description. Dismal and worn, it could have just as well been invisible. Inside, lobby lights flickered, the darkness beyond there striking Marcus oddly as if warning of the dangers that lurked within. I would rework this sentence, it reads awkwardly. Solitude and darkness was? never a favorable companion, [insert period] Marcus’ human instincts strummed and urged him to leave, that it would be best if he didn’t go in there. Perhaps it would have been. But instincts no longer mattered. They hadn’t for quite some time. Not for Marcus. Free will long dead to obligation, he walked inside.
Past litter stained the? halls, and up stairs whose creaking betrayed his silent coming, he arrived
Mid-stroke, his hand paused His hand paused mid-stroke reads easier – it’s just my preference. A strange, muted song bled from the seams of the door. Marcus turned his ear to search out the sound. The broken melody, played poorly on a pianoforte, held neither tune nor rhythm. Keys were struck to the tempo of a fading heart, an irregular pulse that made no sense at all. Marcus retracted his hand. Cold, he stepped back. He didn’t know the song, but the agony lacing every note was familiar. His instincts had been right—he never should have walked into that building. But it wasn’t ever a choice.
Marcus misted inside. The damp smell of liquor and cigarette smoke laced with despair, fear, and anger burned Marcus’ nostrils.
This has a strange sentence structure. It’s harder to read when you start with the action first. Try leading us into the sentences to make them flow. You have some really great descriptions but they’re lost in weird sentence structure and strange imagery. Try and act out your actions and see if they’re possible, see if they make sense. I can see something in this, but the sentence structure is throwing me off. I think the potential is there for a great piece though ;o)
Have a great day!