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After the Madness Workshop – E8

The Madness continues! We have two more great entries today. To be honest, I’m so tired of seeing that After the Madness pic, I decided to bring the MAD into the After the MADness Workshop! Tea anyone?


Here’s how this workshop works. I’ll post (along with Brenda DrakeYAtopia, and Shelley Watters) two entries per day until we’ve reached fifteen each. There was no rhyme or reason for who got which entries, so make sure to check all four blogs for yours! For those that are here to critique, have a great time! This is an open forum and we welcome opinions. It isn’t easy to put your stuff out there so, kudos to all of you who entered! I hope we can help ;o)


Let’s do this!



First 250 words


Entry E8 – Kelley Gerschke

“Okay, so maybe it wasn’t the best interview in the history of interviews. But give yourself a break, Lyra. It was your first one,” Darren tries to assure me, raising his head of thick, black hair tamed only by his knit cap from the telescope. [insert space] I let him go first because I’m too busy wallowing in my pathetic attempt at an interview after our high school Academic Decathlon competition, which now thanks to the nightly news, just played for all of Arizona to see. Good voice.
            “I looked like a total nerd. A loser. Self absorbed. I worked really hard,” I repeat the words from my interview in a mocking tone, tucking my hands into my flannel shirt.
            Darren shrugs, not bothering to look up from the scope. “You are a nerd.” His dark brown, almost black eyes meet mine. “But you’re not a loser.”
            I give him a pout and twirl my hair, not bothering to stop the annoying habit. A few pieces are stuck in my fingers after I’m done and I discard the strawberry blonde strands out the window of the tree house.
            Darren cocks his head and comes to sit next to me. “If everyone knew you like I do, they would know you’re not self absorbed…most of the time.”
            A small smile spreads across my face. It’s an automatic reaction to Darren’s smile. He shakes my hand. Why does he shake her hand? Maybe he can punch her in the leg or something? Seems more natural. “You just work really hard and expect a lot from yourself and others. Most people don’t live up to your expectations. Leave you disappointed.”

This dialogue is natural. I like it. You do a good job of introducing both characters without backstory. Good voice too. Nice job ;o)


Any thoughts?


Have a stupendous day ;o)
<3 Erica

5 Responses to “After the Madness Workshop – E8”

  1. I agree on voice and him shaking her hand. A bump or something does seem more natural. Oh, and tree houses, boys and telescopes. Nice!

  2. Kelley says:

    Thanks so much for the feedback Erica! I agree with the ‘shaking’. I’ll come up with something better 🙂

  3. Thanks for stopping by, Jenny!

    No problem, Kelley! Hey, I think I remember you from the Baker’s Dozen, right? This was a great entry ;o)

  4. Amber says:

    I LOVED the voice!!!

    I agree on the hand shake- should be a shoulder shove or bump. My only other suggestion is the ages…I got confused with the interview, because I instantly thought they were adults. Then there was the mention of high school…so maybe you could tell us sooner in the dialogue… “Give yourself a break. It’s just high school for crying out loud.”–Or how ever you would want…your voice is great, so I’m sure you could write it better than me.

    That would be my only addition, to make sure we understand right away with the interview it is a school interview. 🙂 but that’s just mo, it really is great as is 🙂

  5. Thanks for stopping by, Amber!

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