After the Madness Workshop (Mad Hatter Style)- E11
The Madness continues! We have two more great entries today. To be honest, I’m so tired of seeing that After the Madness pic, I decided to bring the MAD into the After the MADness Workshop! Tea anyone?
Here’s how this workshop works. I’ll post (along with Brenda Drake, YAtopia, and Shelley Watters) two entries per day until we’ve reached fifteen each. There was no rhyme or reason for who got which entries, so make sure to check all four blogs for yours! For those that are here to critique, have a great time! This is an open forum and we welcome opinions. It isn’t easy to put your stuff out there so, kudos to all of you who entered! I hope we can help ;o)
Entry E11 – Jenny S. Morris
The news blared on the radio as the ignition whined to turn over. tell us who is doing this. “A seven point earthquake has rocked the country of Haiti. Hundreds trapped, thousands feared dead.” The radio went silent as Kella’s head shot up, slamming into the hood of the car.
“Dammit.” Haiti-earthquake-thousands dead buzzed in her head. This needs to be re-worked. I get what it means, but it’s coming across strangely. Maybe try, thousands of dead Haitians’ cries buzzed in her head or something like that. She had to get
her sister Emma’s car started, fast.
Her cold hands fiddled with the spark plug wires. “Try it again.” It was the second time this month Kella had to rescue her sister (it works better here, I think.)
Emma from school. She’d have to get new plugs and wires and replace them when she got back from Haiti. This makes it sound like she’s in Haiti already.
Emma turned the ignition over and the car sputtered to life.
“God, that’s awful. That’s a pretty big earthquake, right?” Emma asked. Her perfectly manicured nails tapped on the steering wheel, impatient to get going. Emphasizing she had no idea how awful things like that could be.
Kella fumbled with her tools. “Yeah, that’s really bad.” Dang, she needed to get her act together long enough to send Emma on her way.
“Well, thanks for fixing my car. I don’t think I’ll be late to work. What time do you get off?” Emma asked.
A cover story had been formulating in Kella’s head since she heard the news report. “I won’t be home. My boss needs me to dog sit for the rest of the week.” She held her breath, hoping Emma wouldn’t see through her lie. She was usually oblivious, but this one was pretty thin.
I was really confused the first time I read through this. I think you need to make it clearer that Emma is in the car right away. I didn’t know that until Emma spoke. Also, make it clear that they’re not in Haiti. I like the stuff you introduced about her hearing the Haitians voices in her head. It’s definitely an interesting concept!
Have a wonderful Saturday!!