After the Madness Workshop – E13
Entry E13 – Cait Peterson
Get down NOW. Is this in her mind?
Kat dropped to the ground, pretending to trip on the cavern’s uneven floor. The stone Jormund had thrown at her head careened into the rock face behind her. I would re-work this sentence. It’s not making sense. It was a narrow miss, and she was not as lucky with the debris. She winced as the flying shards cut into her face and hands, but she was already up and running, ignoring the sting. Her fights with Jormund kept her too busy to pay attention to the small cuts and bruises. The trainers would heal them later anyway, when they came. Just more scars to add to the collection. This is a decent beginning. I’m intrigued, but I’d like to know who or what Jormund is.
Incoming! Pay attention! The Fire’s is this a person too? voice thumped
“That was a close one, pz’akyn,” he boasted. “Even your clumsiness can’t save you every time!” His hand brushed up across the smooth skin of his hairless head, wiping away the sweat that casting the fireball had created.
This is interesting, but it’s risky starting with action like this. We need to be invested in Kat and care about her. I’m confused about who or what The Fire and Jormund are and why she’s running from them. I think you need to start the story earlier so we can see why she’s running from fire balls. Is this a training? Is she in hell? I like the action here, but we need more of why Kat is there, then you’ll have something!