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After the Madness Workshop – E13

Greetings!!


The Madness continues! We have two more great entries today. To be honest, I’m so tired of seeing that After the Madness pic, I decided to bring the MAD into the After the MADness Workshop! Tea anyone?

Here’s how this workshop works. I’ll post (along with Brenda DrakeYAtopia, and Shelley Watters) two entries per day until we’ve reached fifteen each. There was no rhyme or reason for who got which entries, so make sure to check all four blogs for yours! For those that are here to critique, have a great time! This is an open forum and we welcome opinions. It isn’t easy to put your stuff out there so, kudos to all of you who entered! I hope we can help ;o)


250 words


Entry E13 – Cait Peterson


Get down NOW. Is this in her mind?

Kat dropped to the ground, pretending to trip on the cavern’s uneven floor. The stone Jormund had thrown at her head careened into the rock face behind her. I would re-work this sentence. It’s not making sense. It was a narrow miss, and she was not as lucky with the debris. She winced as the flying shards cut into her face and hands, but she was already up and running, ignoring the sting. Her fights with Jormund kept her too busy to pay attention to the small cuts and bruises. The trainers would heal them later anyway, when they came. Just more scars to add to the collection. This is a decent beginning. I’m intrigued, but I’d like to know who or what Jormund is.

Incoming! Pay attention! The Fire’s is this a person too? voice thumped on in her head, a warning just as she smelled brimstone on the air. No time to dodge, she gathered herself for the hit. Even so, Jormund’s fireball knocked her hard into the cave wall. It didn’t burn, the fire never burnt, but the impact drove the jagged rock into her back. The thin rags she wore did nothing to dull the sharp edges. A small sound escaped her, and her adversary crowed his delight as he swaggered towards her.

“That was a close one, pz’akyn,” he boasted. “Even your clumsiness can’t save you every time!” His hand brushed up across the smooth skin of his hairless head, wiping away the sweat that casting the fireball had created. 


Kat sighed. Always, he calls me a weakling. She wished again that the Fire would let her show him what she could do. Just once!

This is interesting, but it’s risky starting with action like this. We need to be invested in Kat and care about her. I’m confused about who or what The Fire and Jormund are and why she’s running from them. I think you need to start the story earlier so we can see why she’s running from fire balls.  Is this a training? Is she in hell? I like the action here, but we need more of why Kat is there, then you’ll have something!


Thoughts?

Have a great Sunday!!

<3 Erica

3 Responses to “After the Madness Workshop – E13”

  1. Felt lost with this–need to know a little bit of where she is, who she is, who the others are. Especially if the Fire is another character. Good luck!

  2. Thanks for stopping by, Angelica!

  3. Thanks for the crit, you guys! This is a story I haven’t pulled out in a bit – written 3 since it! But I love it, so I keep coming back, trying to make it better. So I appreciate te help!

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