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After the Madness Workshop – E14

Greetings!!


The Madness continues! We have two more great entries today. To be honest, I’m so tired of seeing that After the Madness pic, I decided to bring the MAD into the After the MADness Workshop! Tea anyone?

Here’s how this workshop works. I’ll post (along with Brenda DrakeYAtopia, and Shelley Watters) two entries per day until we’ve reached fifteen each. There was no rhyme or reason for who got which entries, so make sure to check all four blogs for yours! For those that are here to critique, have a great time! This is an open forum and we welcome opinions. It isn’t easy to put your stuff out there so, kudos to all of you who entered! I hope we can help ;o)


250 words


Entry E14 – Ella Schwartz

Nara pushed her way through the soup of darkness. strange description, maybe try the soupy darkness? or darkness as thick as soup?. Her shoes clicked against the marble pathway towards the royal palace. The darkness covered her like a thick cloak, weighing her down; even though it was only lunch time. The absence of daylight still gave Nara the creeps. It had been like this for several weeks. I’m not really hooked. What makes her going through the darkness special? Where is she going to? Why is she going there? These are the things that hook the reader.
But she knew how to fix it. 
And she would tell her stupid cousin, even though he hardly deserved it. Anything was better than living under a dark black I would change it up, you say darkness twice in the first paragraph. cloud all day, every day. This is a better hook. Why can her cousin fix it? Can she go outside? 
It was strange coming to the palace without her maidens and royal guardsmen. But now that Nara and her mom were no longer palace residents, the entourage was gone.
The guardsman at the palace gate, a fellow by the name of Warner who Nara had known since birth, bowed his head slightly as he pushed open the heavy iron gate letting Nara inside. “Good day, Lady Nara,” he pronounced.
Nara with a dismissive flick of her wrist said, “Day? Is that what this is? I can’t tell anymore.”
The oppressive darkness covering the Kingdom of Chernadova indeed made it hard to tell day from night. For three weeks, since the death of Nara’s father, it was as if the Gods decided it would be a good idea to cover the kingdom with a large, dirty, dishrag. And every day the dishrag grew dirtier. This is great. I would exchange this paragraph for your first one–start with this.
“Yes, my Lady. It certainly is a strange phenomenon.” Warner paused for a moment, shuffling his feet before continuing. This last part was really good!

I think you need a better hook. If you show us about why someone can make a whole kingdom dark, we get something special. I think your writing and descriptions are good. I would just concentrate on the beginning paragraph ;o)


Thoughts?

Have a great Sunday!
<3 Erica

4 Responses to “After the Madness Workshop – E14”

  1. Thanks so much for this Erica! I never considered switching the “dirty dish rag” paragraph to the beginning, but I think this might just work! Great suggestion! Thank you so much. And thanks for hosting a great workshop. You are awesome! 🙂

  2. Aww, thank you! YOU are awesome for sharing your work with us ;o) So glad I could help!

  3. Don’t have much else to add, but sometimes if only one person tells you there’s an issue, that comes across as an opinion, but if more than one person tells you then it’s probably a genuine problem. So seconding Erica!

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