“Cassie!” I called over the thumping beat of The Lady V’s newest single “Bite Me”. I bumped my fist against the door in sync with the chorus. “Hurry up! The boys will be here any minute!”
I wouldn’t be able to hear her response even if she gave one, which I knew she didn’t. My best friend was more of the strong silent type that made guys turn into bubbling bumbling? idiots who drooled at the very mention of her. Words were unnecessary for the vampire beauty.
I put the final touches on my makeup and smoothed the silky fabric of my dress. The tea-length deep red dress puffed out around my legs, with the help of an exuberant amount of tulle. I bounced around my room to the music and sang into my hairbrush. I like her, she seems spunky!
The music stopped suddenly and I turned around [I would insert a period here]
to see Cassie was in my bathroom doorway, her elbow rest ed ing casually on the door frame, and the light from behind her created a silhouette of perfection. The hem of her sparkling golden gown lightly kissed the carpet of my bedroom. The material hugged her in all the right places as if it was an extension of her already pale skin. Her golden locks were pulled back into an elaborate braided knot at the base of her neck. I thought about my wavy brown hair resting on my shoulders that looked too casual compared to her up-do.
“What do you think?” she asked.
I grinned. “Perfect, as always. I don’t think Trey will be prepared for what you are throwing at him.”
This isn’t a bad start. I like the protagonist. Be careful starting with dialogue, make sure it’s something we really need to know about the MC. I’m assuming Cassie is a big part of this story so it’s okay that we spend some time learning about her, just be careful to let us see your MC too ;o)