Honesty From In-Between
It’s talk like a pirate day, did you know that? Don’t worry, I won’t be Arrrrghing and Ahoying anywhere on here, but I thought I would acknowledge it at least. Cause, COME ON. Anyhoo.
Oh, hi Chris Pine, how ya doing over there… Sigh. Moving on.
So, I have something I want to talk about. I’m going to get serious and honest and feely, something I don’t do often enough that maybe I should. In fact, my first instinct is not to be this honest, but I’ve never been one to conform, so why start now, right?
Recently, my agent and I parted ways. It’s okay, folks. It really is. She’s amazing and wonderful and she will bring something unique and insightful to anything she does. And we’re going to stay in touch, be friends, and I’m okay with this.
No, this isn’t a blog post announcing that I’ve found another agent. I haven’t.
Whew. There I said it. Boy, those posts are a lot easier to write than this one, let me tell you. But I think ones like this can be just as important. If not, then oh well, I’ve at least got it off my chest and I feel better. That’s something, right?
I’m in the early stage of querying, and I know I’m not supposed to talk about that. At least that’s what we’re told. Don’t talk about going on submission, don’t talk about querying. But I know you all know. Or you will. It’s really no secret. Yes, I’m taking a risk even talking about this, but I have all this… I don’t know. Stuff in me and I thought that this was the best outlet for it. I may wake up tomorrow and be dead wrong, but it’s like 2:30 in the morning and I couldn’t NOT write this.
It can seem when you are feeling your lowest that things may never happen. I know what that feels like. It was a blow to hear what I did, but every set back like that gives us the opportunity to improve on our best, or what we thought was our best. Rejection in any form can suck the marrow out of your bones, weaken you, make you feel like you’ll never get it right. And when you read authors who just… can write like that’s the reason they were put on this earth, it can get discouraging.
I mean half the time I think I’m writing Klingon for a bunch of non-Star Trek fans. That’s how it feels sometimes, but always, always in the back of my mind I think… someone has to speak it somewhere, ya know? SOMEONE will get me.
And it will happen. Someday. You have to believe that or well, shit. All of this rejection and pain and crap isn’t worth it, not really. Every time you hit these rocks in your path, you do learn something, gain a little more hard skin on your body so that you can withstand what comes next, but really? If we’re writing to eventually get published, or to publish again or publish better, or get a movie… you have got to believe it’s a possibility.
I think that’s what’s so hard about being in-between for me right now. Every day that goes by, I start thinking I’m more and more of a hack. Someone did love it once, so someone’s bound to love it again, right? That doubt that creeps in is enough to kill ya. or at least kill that beautiful spirit.
Don’t you dare let it. It would be SO easy for me to be pissed at the world, to be bitter at the industry and to be sad that the tables didn’t turn my way, or some other lame cliche’. But I’m not going to let myself. I won’t. Maybe that’s my blind optimism that my close friends know about and I probably drive them nuts with, but dammit, that’s all we have sometimes. HOPE.
So, I’m going to keep the faith, and even if I don’t get another agent with this MS or even the next. I write because I love it. I will keep writing because I love it.
I will not reject myself too. That’s just lame. And stupid.
Okay, it’s like almost 3am, and I have to get up early. I love you all. You are beautiful and I have faith in all of you.