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After the Madness Workshop

After the Madness Workshop – E16

Greetings!!


The Madness continues! We have two more great entries today. These are the last *sniff* We’ve had a good time though. Look for an After the Madness Workshop post on Tuesday ;o)

Here’s how this workshop works. I’ll post (along with Brenda DrakeYAtopia, and Shelley Watters) two entries per day until we’ve reached fifteen each. There was no rhyme or reason for who got which entries, so make sure to check all four blogs for yours! For those that are here to critique, have a great time! This is an open forum and we welcome opinions. It isn’t easy to put your stuff out there so, kudos to all of you who entered! I hope we can help ;o)


250 words


Entry E16 – Kate

“Cassie!” I called over the thumping beat of The Lady V’s newest single “Bite Me”. I bumped my fist against the door in sync with the chorus. “Hurry up! The boys will be here any minute!”
I wouldn’t be able to hear her response even if she gave one, which I knew she didn’t. My best friend was more of the strong silent type that made guys turn into bubbling bumbling? idiots who drooled at the very mention of her. Words were unnecessary for the vampire beauty. 
I put the final touches on my makeup and smoothed the silky fabric of my dress. The tea-length deep red dress puffed out around my legs, with the help of an exuberant amount of tulle. I bounced around my room to the music and sang into my hairbrush. I like her, she seems spunky!
The music stopped suddenly and I turned around [I would insert a period here] to see Cassie was in my bathroom doorway, her elbow rested ing casually on the door frame and the light from behind her created a silhouette of perfection. The hem of her sparkling golden gown lightly kissed the carpet of my bedroom. The material hugged her in all the right places as if it was an extension of her already pale skin. Her golden locks were pulled back into an elaborate braided knot at the base of her neck. I thought about my wavy brown hair resting on my shoulders that looked too casual compared to her up-do.
“What do you think?” she asked.
I grinned. “Perfect, as always. I don’t think Trey will be prepared for what you are throwing at him.”

This isn’t a bad start. I like the protagonist. Be careful starting with dialogue, make sure it’s something we really need to know about the MC. I’m assuming Cassie is a big part of this story so it’s okay that we spend some time learning about her, just be careful to let us see your MC too ;o)


Thoughts?


Happy Monday!
<3 Erica

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After the Madness Workshop – E15

Greetings!!


The Madness continues! We have two more great entries today. These are the last *sniff* We’ve had a good time though. Look for an After the Madness Workshop post on Tuesday ;o)

Here’s how this workshop works. I’ll post (along with Brenda DrakeYAtopia, and Shelley Watters) two entries per day until we’ve reached fifteen each. There was no rhyme or reason for who got which entries, so make sure to check all four blogs for yours! For those that are here to critique, have a great time! This is an open forum and we welcome opinions. It isn’t easy to put your stuff out there so, kudos to all of you who entered! I hope we can help ;o)

250 words

Entry E15 – Angelica Jackson

Mom woke me as we hit the outskirts of Crow’s Rest. “Brace yourself, Avery Girl.” This is good, but what follows is a little confusing. Maybe if we start a new paragraph? It’s what she’d said the first time we’d come we came to visit Uncle Tam, and every time since, [I would end it here, the rest is implied, I think] as we got close to Crow’s Rest and the Castle. A tingle of anticipation and dread rushed through me and I sat up.
For weeks I’d begged her to let me drive part of the way on this trip; [I would insert a period here and start a new sentence] bicycling was nearly a cult in Davis, and I hadn’t gotten much use out of my new driver’s license at home. But I’d been so wiped out from last-minute packing that instead I fell asleep as soon as I settled into the passenger seat. I’m not sure I re-worked that enough. I would try and read it again and rearrange it a bit.
As I opened the window, the June air streamed in, coating my tongue with heat and iron-rich dust. Good description. Houses flashed by: [you don’t need a colon I think, you can use a period and start a new sentence] a few McMansions that had probably been foreclosed on before they’d even been built out expanded, along with the farmhouses that dated from the 1840s on. Buzzing insects circled the weeds, already drying and brittle among the oaks.
            As we took that last curve on the approach, tree branches arched over the road, blocking our view until there it stood—a castle, a brick anomaly glowinged red in the afternoon light.  Looming It loomed over the Gold-Rush-era town from the top of a hill, making my shutter finger itch. The usual complement of turkey vultures and ravens soared above it, sinister-izing the turrets even more. These are great descriptions.


I liked this. You have some wonderful descriptions. The sentence structure needs to be re-worked in a few of these sentences to make them flow better. You’ve created an interesting view of the city!


Thoughts?


Happy Monday!
<3 Erica

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3 comments

After the Madness Workshop – E14

Greetings!!


The Madness continues! We have two more great entries today. To be honest, I’m so tired of seeing that After the Madness pic, I decided to bring the MAD into the After the MADness Workshop! Tea anyone?

Here’s how this workshop works. I’ll post (along with Brenda DrakeYAtopia, and Shelley Watters) two entries per day until we’ve reached fifteen each. There was no rhyme or reason for who got which entries, so make sure to check all four blogs for yours! For those that are here to critique, have a great time! This is an open forum and we welcome opinions. It isn’t easy to put your stuff out there so, kudos to all of you who entered! I hope we can help ;o)


250 words


Entry E14 – Ella Schwartz

Nara pushed her way through the soup of darkness. strange description, maybe try the soupy darkness? or darkness as thick as soup?. Her shoes clicked against the marble pathway towards the royal palace. The darkness covered her like a thick cloak, weighing her down; even though it was only lunch time. The absence of daylight still gave Nara the creeps. It had been like this for several weeks. I’m not really hooked. What makes her going through the darkness special? Where is she going to? Why is she going there? These are the things that hook the reader.
But she knew how to fix it. 
And she would tell her stupid cousin, even though he hardly deserved it. Anything was better than living under a dark black I would change it up, you say darkness twice in the first paragraph. cloud all day, every day. This is a better hook. Why can her cousin fix it? Can she go outside? 
It was strange coming to the palace without her maidens and royal guardsmen. But now that Nara and her mom were no longer palace residents, the entourage was gone.
The guardsman at the palace gate, a fellow by the name of Warner who Nara had known since birth, bowed his head slightly as he pushed open the heavy iron gate letting Nara inside. “Good day, Lady Nara,” he pronounced.
Nara with a dismissive flick of her wrist said, “Day? Is that what this is? I can’t tell anymore.”
The oppressive darkness covering the Kingdom of Chernadova indeed made it hard to tell day from night. For three weeks, since the death of Nara’s father, it was as if the Gods decided it would be a good idea to cover the kingdom with a large, dirty, dishrag. And every day the dishrag grew dirtier. This is great. I would exchange this paragraph for your first one–start with this.
“Yes, my Lady. It certainly is a strange phenomenon.” Warner paused for a moment, shuffling his feet before continuing. This last part was really good!

I think you need a better hook. If you show us about why someone can make a whole kingdom dark, we get something special. I think your writing and descriptions are good. I would just concentrate on the beginning paragraph ;o)


Thoughts?

Have a great Sunday!
<3 Erica

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4 comments

After the Madness Workshop – E13

Greetings!!


The Madness continues! We have two more great entries today. To be honest, I’m so tired of seeing that After the Madness pic, I decided to bring the MAD into the After the MADness Workshop! Tea anyone?

Here’s how this workshop works. I’ll post (along with Brenda DrakeYAtopia, and Shelley Watters) two entries per day until we’ve reached fifteen each. There was no rhyme or reason for who got which entries, so make sure to check all four blogs for yours! For those that are here to critique, have a great time! This is an open forum and we welcome opinions. It isn’t easy to put your stuff out there so, kudos to all of you who entered! I hope we can help ;o)


250 words


Entry E13 – Cait Peterson


Get down NOW. Is this in her mind?

Kat dropped to the ground, pretending to trip on the cavern’s uneven floor. The stone Jormund had thrown at her head careened into the rock face behind her. I would re-work this sentence. It’s not making sense. It was a narrow miss, and she was not as lucky with the debris. She winced as the flying shards cut into her face and hands, but she was already up and running, ignoring the sting. Her fights with Jormund kept her too busy to pay attention to the small cuts and bruises. The trainers would heal them later anyway, when they came. Just more scars to add to the collection. This is a decent beginning. I’m intrigued, but I’d like to know who or what Jormund is.

Incoming! Pay attention! The Fire’s is this a person too? voice thumped on in her head, a warning just as she smelled brimstone on the air. No time to dodge, she gathered herself for the hit. Even so, Jormund’s fireball knocked her hard into the cave wall. It didn’t burn, the fire never burnt, but the impact drove the jagged rock into her back. The thin rags she wore did nothing to dull the sharp edges. A small sound escaped her, and her adversary crowed his delight as he swaggered towards her.

“That was a close one, pz’akyn,” he boasted. “Even your clumsiness can’t save you every time!” His hand brushed up across the smooth skin of his hairless head, wiping away the sweat that casting the fireball had created. 


Kat sighed. Always, he calls me a weakling. She wished again that the Fire would let her show him what she could do. Just once!

This is interesting, but it’s risky starting with action like this. We need to be invested in Kat and care about her. I’m confused about who or what The Fire and Jormund are and why she’s running from them. I think you need to start the story earlier so we can see why she’s running from fire balls.  Is this a training? Is she in hell? I like the action here, but we need more of why Kat is there, then you’ll have something!


Thoughts?

Have a great Sunday!!

<3 Erica

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3 comments

After the Madness Workshop (Mad Hatter Style)- E11

Greetings!!


The Madness continues! We have two more great entries today. To be honest, I’m so tired of seeing that After the Madness pic, I decided to bring the MAD into the After the MADness Workshop! Tea anyone?

Here’s how this workshop works. I’ll post (along with Brenda DrakeYAtopia, and Shelley Watters) two entries per day until we’ve reached fifteen each. There was no rhyme or reason for who got which entries, so make sure to check all four blogs for yours! For those that are here to critique, have a great time! This is an open forum and we welcome opinions. It isn’t easy to put your stuff out there so, kudos to all of you who entered! I hope we can help ;o)


250 words


Entry E11 – Jenny S. Morris

The news blared on the radio as the ignition whined to turn over. tell us who is doing this. “A seven point earthquake has rocked the country of Haiti. Hundreds trapped, thousands feared dead.” The radio went silent as Kella’s head shot up, slamming into the hood of the car. 

“Dammit.” Haiti-earthquake-thousands dead buzzed in her head. This needs to be re-worked. I get what it means, but it’s coming across strangely. Maybe try, thousands of dead Haitians’ cries buzzed in her head or something like that. She had to get her sister Emma’s car started, fast. 

Her cold hands fiddled with the spark plug wires. “Try it again.” It was the second time this month Kella had to rescue her sister (it works better here, I think.) Emma from school. She’d have to get new plugs and wires and replace them when she got back from Haiti. This makes it sound like she’s in Haiti already.

Emma turned the ignition over and the car sputtered to life.

“God, that’s awful. That’s a pretty big earthquake, right?” Emma asked. Her perfectly manicured nails tapped on the steering wheel, impatient to get going. Emphasizing she had no idea how awful things like that could be. 

Kella fumbled with her tools. “Yeah, that’s really bad.” Dang, she needed to get her act together long enough to send Emma on her way.

“Well, thanks for fixing my car. I don’t think I’ll be late to work. What time do you get off?” Emma asked.

A cover story had been formulating in Kella’s head since she heard the news report. “I won’t be home. My boss needs me to dog sit for the rest of the week.” She held her breath, hoping Emma wouldn’t see through her lie. She was usually oblivious, but this one was pretty thin. 

I was really confused the first time I read through this. I think you need to make it clearer that Emma is in the car right away. I didn’t know that until Emma spoke. Also, make it clear that they’re not in Haiti. I like the stuff you introduced about her hearing the Haitians voices in her head. It’s definitely an interesting concept!


Have a wonderful Saturday!!

<3 Erica

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