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Change (In The House Of Time)

Hi Everyone!!

Change in the house of fliesI hope you’re all having an awesome week so far and enjoying your summer (YAY, SUMMER)! By the way, if any of you got the song reference in the title you have excellent taste in music! Man, it feels like it’s been years since I’ve blogged instead of months. It’s kind of amazing the changes your life can take in just a few months.

I’ll spare the gory details of all the recent changes in my life… but as some of you know I’m still at home recovering from open heart surgery. I’ve had a lot of time to think. A LOT OF TIME.Benedict thinking
I know I should be relishing in all this time off. You get to read all day. Write all day. Binge-watch Transparent and Orange is the New Black! HOW AWESOME ARE THESE SHOWS? I already know most of you watch OITNB, but if you haven’t seen Transparent trust me, watch it. SO good. Sorry for the aside, if I go off on any more tangents during this post I’m blaming the anesthesia.

Anyhoo, it’s been all well and good to be off work, but something else happens when you have time to waste, you begin reflecting, on life, on your relationships, on regrets, on your decisions. All of it. And I’ve been on this earth for [redacted because I’m a spy (no, not really.) Or am I?] years. And in those years I never once thought about what negativity had done to me. How I never realized how far it had clawed and carved its way into my mind and soul. How did I find out I was unhappy? Well, recently my grandma remarked about how she hadn’t seen a particular look on my face before. And I realized the expression she was talking about was happy. YES happy. Had I never looked happy around her? And then I realized that maybe I haven’t. Maybe I haven’t looked happy around anyone. Maybe I’d been faking it. And that hit me hard. I had to be happy right? I mean, I felt happy. But the truth was, I wasn’t. And I had no clue. Not until that day with my grandma, not until I had time to think about it.

So what does someone do with this information? I decided to change my entire outlook on life. No really. Ann Kendrick skeptical

Not a small task, right? I know you’re asking. How the hell do you do this? Well, I don’t actually know. But I can tell you what I’ve been doing and how it’s made a difference for me.

So to start, I decided to take joy in the small things, like getting a cool new planner to organize with (Erin Condren anyone?), or spending time with my sister and mom, reconnecting with friends I haven’t seen in a while. I’ve been researching more about gender identity so I can understand more about YA diversity and improve my writing. I’ve also downloaded Rosetta Stone (Spanish) and have been learning that while I’m off.

The biggest change I’ve made is how I talk to myself. It’s been difficult because it’s almost impossible to get rid of negative thoughts once they’re implanted in your brain, but I’m trying. It helps that through the recent changes in my life I have been able to rid the negativity that once surrounded me. It’s amazing the freedom that comes with expelling the negativity around you whether it be in a person or a situation. I kind of feel re-born. I think that’s the biggest thing that anyone can do to make their lives more positive and maybe find this ever elusive and mysterious happiness that people talk about.

I’m not saying I’m happy all the time, but instead of being more like this…

Sheldon fake smile

I’m more like this…

Castiel laughing

And that is a pretty awesome thing. How about you? What makes you happy?


Song on repeat: “Indifference” by Pearl Jam

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